Ang buhay ni Awit

The Ways of the World

I was talking to my brother about the story of Job this morning. I had started reading the book of Job yesterday and I was amazed with how he dealt with the trials that he came by. As I relayed the story to my brother, I was hoping it would encourage him and that it would teach him a valuable lesson. I shared with him that I felt like such a whiner. Just because something happened that was not exactly according to my liking, I would already mourn and make such a big fuss over a particular loss. When I looked at all the things that Job went through, I felt so small, and a bit ashamed. Then my brother told me, "Ate iba ka naman kay Job."

It was just one sentence. A simple statement. But I was dumbstruck (sorry for the term). My brother, the one whom I had hoped to encourage and enlighten, was even the one to share with me such delicate words of wisdom.

It is always so easy to compare myself with others. Just this morning when I asked a friend how she and her boyfriend were doing, she said, that they had broken up. She shared that it was ok because she had 2 other boyfriends in tow. Then she began to enumerate how our others friends (some married) had other "boyfriends" as well. (By "boyfriends" this meant men they met via text messaging). I paused and began to ask myselfWhat if I just live my life like these ladies? Judging aside, they enter into relationships in a carefree manner and they don't seem to get hurt. But then a greater question filled my heart. Will this bring honor and glory to my God?

I realize my own vunerability to the world. But I also realize the greatness of my God. So I pray...

(NASB)Psalm 28:1:
 
 ¹To You, O LORD, I call;
         My ^(A)rock, do not be deaf to me,
         For if You ^(B)are silent to me,
         I will become like those who ^(C)go down to the pit.

There is truly much joy in the presence of the Lord. I am reminded that I should not live according to the standards of man but that of the standards of God. As a human being, so concrete, it is so easy to get carried away and be distracted. Sometimes I become numb and so disensitized that I begin to justify the sins that I have committed. At the end of the day, it all boils down to one question, Did I honor and glorify my God?

"I am resolved to give God my best and leave the results up to him." The coach from Facing the Giants said. I think this is a great advice to live by. Although I am surrounded by the world, I need to be steadfast and stand firm in the Lord. I need to remain faithful to Him and to no one and nothing else. Again I am am reminded of the greatest sacrifice, His sacrifice. He died for me so that I may live. And now, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. Gone is the old Awit who lived for her own benefit, for own pleasure and in the ways of the world. Today, I live to celebrate Christ in my life, for His pleasure, for His glory, for His honor, for His praise.

I am Awit Carpio.
The Lord loves me.
And I love the Lord.

Grey's Anatomy Season 4 Episode 11

It's been a while since I last saw Grey's Anatomy, one part because I didn't have the time and another part because I wasn't sure I was ready for it. Surprisingly, the episode spoke to me in so many different levels.

I guess the part that struck me most is when Miranda Bailey, the strict, cerebral and brilliant surgeon, had to actually resort to "faith healing" when his son got into an accident. After the operation, her son was better but couldn't breathe on his own. During that time, she and her husband were having a rough spot in their marriage, with Miranda always out and the husband being left at home to take care of all domestic concerns.That fateful day, Miranda left the house in a hurry, and she couldn't remember if she was able to lock the child safety gate. It was a crucial thing because Tuck(her son) got out and went to the room with shelves full of medical books, which ended up piled on him. Ofcourse the initial human response: Who is to blame? Why wasn't daddy looking after Tuck? If only Miranda had been home more...

When the faith healer approached Tuck, she held Miranda with one hand and the husband with another. She gently asked the parents to hold hands and  to forgive each other even just for that moment....

It was only recently that I found out that the root of ALL of man's suffering is sin. This episode spoke to me of unforgiveness. I have, at more than one point in my life, harbored anger and unforgiveness. It's something that I am really working on in my life and God has proved to be patient and faithful to me, and the source of all strength and courage. It is not easy and I am still a work in progress. But I know that the Lord is with me every step of the way, holding my hand. And at times when I seem to falter and lose my way, He doesn't allow me to stay in the dark for too long. He always finds me and leads me back into the light.

The story ends with Miranda and her husband holding hands while praying over Tuck. Tuck eventually begins to breathe and all seems better. But what it deeply etches in my heart is that faith, forgiveness and love, can truly make a whole lot of difference. It can heal the sick, mend a broken heart and in general, make life more worthwhile. And aren't these the promises that we can all claim if only we follow God's word? Wasn't He the one who said, "Love one another," and "Your faith has healed you"? The simplicity and the beauty of God's word is that it is there not to bind nor limit us, but to free us and to make our lives better.

Thank You, Lord.

Praises, honor, glory and love to You! :)

Cantata Worship

Yesterday was Cantata Worship at church. I just praise and thank the Lord that He has given me the privilege to sing for Him:) It was really, only through God's grace that the choir was able to sing in 5 worship services. I was counting and that totaled 64 songs! AMAZING!

Praise and Honor to GOD:)

Praise God I have Sore Eyes

Yes, you heard me right. Praise God I have sore eyes. The Lord truly uses all the circumstances in our lives to show us His great love. Yesterday, I had contracted sore eyes and was just about ready to complain when I thought... I know that the Lord meant for this to happen because He loves me. It might be difficult to understand how one can find love in sore eyes. But I tell you, I  can feel it even more. The Lord has given me family and friends who pray and support me throughout all the challenges in my life (and I am not only talking about sore eyes here). The Lord truly equips us with each test He sends our way. The only choice we have now is to do it our way or His way. And I choose the Lord's. :)

Lord, I am thankful for all that you have done for me. I know that I have made many mistakes, but I praise you for extending me mercy and grace. Thank you for loving me and for always being there for me. Please be with me, enter my heart, my soul and my life. For with you, I am at peace:)
 

Much Better

Things are surely much better between him and me. We talk more and get along better. He needs time and space to find himself and that I can give him. I am truly thankful to the Lord that He has been holding me thru all of this. He has given me the strength that I need to live each day joyfully. I am still a work in progress but I trust that the Lord only wants what is best for me. :)

My Greatest Fear

Ok, so it really isn't my greatest fear that has come true. There is no 3rd party (or so he says). It is simply, "I cannot picture spending the rest of my life with you." So it is out with the churchbells ringing and bring out the books on Single Parenthood.

It has been painful. It has been hard. It has been painfully hard.

But I have come to know that the thing the I truly need in my life is to improve my relationship with God. I have met some friends who are increadibly supportive in this journey that I am about to take - the journey of self-healing. It took  me 26 years to figure out what was truly missing in my life, Him. I have been trying to fill up this void that i have with things that are so inconsequencial... and thus I never feel complete. But this time around I know what i need to do. So pray for me.

Thank you Lord for making Yourself known to me:)

My greatest fear

This my greatest fear (well, aside from anything bad happening to my son and family):

"You Were Mine"
by the Dixie Chicks

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

[Chorus #1:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take You Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Wedding Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay

[Chorus #2:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take Your Heart Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind

[Chorus #2]

I Remember When You Were Mine

My son is turning one and I never knew what a challenge it was to set up a party. heehee... That's all... See you soon!

Many things have happened although I have not been able to write. I want to say so many things but I am afraid of hurting others' feelings. What happens when you find that you no longer have a voice? You choose to have none to protect the ones you love... Is it worth it? Through my rose colored glasses I see that it must be. If not, then it is not love.

A lot of things have changed in my life. Some things were necessary, others were simply unwisely compromised. Should I keep my silence to maintain peace? Should I lose my voice, and in the process lose myself, to avoid confrontations? Confrontations that keep you up at night and take away your appetite?

I think perhaps I am looking at life as one horror after another. It is really not that BAD, but when you find yourself in that position, at that time, you feel as if the sun can never shine again.

I just hope that the next time I find heart to write in here it would be of birds singing, the sun shining and flowers blooming.

June 10, 2005

At about 1:30 in the morning I sat on our bed beside my sleeping son. I had put him to bed some 2 hours earlier so I could watch the videos that I rented. He must've felt my presence for he opened hi wee eyes when I sat down. His face was such a pitiful sight. His eyes were red from lack of sleep. He smiled at me and slowly crawled into my lad. He put his arms around my neck and went back to sleep.

It is moments like this that I really truly live for.